I knew always that my four children were the center of my life and never really questioned it. Having my first baby at age 16 was the best thing that ever happened to me! You probably think that is silly when you consider I am now 56 and I still believe this 100%.
My childhood was more of preparation period for a long and difficult road that meant maturity, responsibility and a strong sense of determination that would be the only way to make the long haul.
At the age of 4 I wanted only to make my cousin walk again and play with me the way I could. She had cerebral palsy and mentally challenged from being in the incubator too long. This intention would keep me close to her off and on for 12 years. I would keep her busy, listen to her unique and passionate view on life, and care for her every need.
My mother was 44 years older than me and having been born in 1913 these were some hard years she had traveled. She would come home from work and go to bed with a pained look on her face and cold wash-cloth on her aching head. Again I only wanted to comfort her, make her pain go away and I dreamed of her coming to life with laughter and fun.
After loosing her husband, baby brother murdered, loosing her own son and going broke all by age 50 she had to clean senior schools and hotel rooms daily to get by. I learned by age 8 that I could do more than she could so I did.
We lived with over 7 families in 5 years to keep us from hitting the curb. When she got tired in 1969 and retired to her bed for a year I took over the chore of pacifying the families we lived with by cleaning their homes, doing their ironing, caring for the children and disabled so we did not feel like complete loose rs. I learned how to trade my back for a meal, my patience with the challenged for a bed and roof, My sensitive and grateful spirit for attention and love.
My Lutheran parochial up-bringing gave me the channel to tap into my higher powers when I needed or wanted something over and above the channels of the humans in my life. The amazing results from the few tests I put before God are still ingrained in my spirit soul energy.
Having a baby at the age of 16 was another one of those"don't judge the book by the cover", because in reality I did not have the academic future to lose, the college scholarship, the dating years, or the perfect family to embarrass and shame. No, it was all on me, and that is why it was a blessing in disguise.
I did not know my real name, or my biological family, so I was in reality a wanted child by the Michigan State children's services. A nobody. No future or focus except to care for family or get high and be a bum.
I jumped on mother hood with every nurturing molecule I had developed and took to it like a child to a mother. Or, mother to a child.
This started my 40 years of raising 4 children that were mine, loved me for who I was and no-one could ruin it.
From the beginning I feared something happening to them because of my guilt ed and shamed childhood I figured I could never deserve such happiness and I made it so hard for myself and them by living like a fugitive on the run, the way I was raised. I worried they would drown in the water, choke on a chip, fall out of windows on second floors and be snatched up by a strangers. Which were all the things that happened to me. My mother was terrified of water where I loved it. She kept me with family only so no-one would find out our secrets. And I was almost snatched up a few times.
Now they are all grown up and beautiful people, even more beautiful parents with a unique soul in each one of them. I have done nothing else in my life but care for loved ones and protect them with my life. I have held on to them so tight it threatens to burst open in emotional fireworks.
Today is the day I let go of what ever it is I have chosen to hang on to. My best wish is for them to
know their inner self value and ability to give and share love.
